(176) A Year Ago...

Thought I would share this with you. This is a blog post from a year ago. Sometimes I like to revisit older posts to remind myself of what I was feeling and how far we have come. And that I still miss her... very, very much.

Friday, April 23, 2010
(56) Why...

I am trying to figure out why today is so hard.

It's not a Thursday.
It's not an anniversary.
It's not a holiday.

The only thing I can think of is that tomorrow starts the 1 month countdown to our due date. Yep. I should be, what 35 or 36 weeks preggers? The "should be pregnant" isn't so hard now. It's the knowing that we should be preparing for a beautiful baby girl and we are not. I pray that after that day my soul will settle a little.

Or maybe I am just overwhelmed with moving, and going away on buisness for the last 2 weeks of May. I hate being away from home. Especially right now. The longest I have been away from home in the last 3 months is a weekend. 2 weeks. And the fact that our due date lands smack dab in the middle of that trip DOES NOT help my mental state.

Whatever the reason I am so tired of not knowing how I will wake up in the morning. My body has taken over and calls the shots these day when it comes to my mental and emotional health. UGH. I want to feel better, but this is not something that is easy to just "think" away. I can't think happy thoughts and then automatically be comforted.

Some days it is easier to just cuss it all out and take it out on the world. Today is one of those days.

If you happen to be a receiver of my anger, cheap shots, and all around bitchiness today, please do not take it personally. I am not angry at you. I am angry at myself. I am angry at the universe. And yes, I am angry at God. For the moment.


I am still angry at the universe. Some days I am angry at God. But I ALWAYS thank Him for the two beautiful gifts he has bestowed upon me. I am the mom I am because of them.