(123) 11 months

Happy 11 month Heavenly Birthday, baby girl! I am having difficulty right now with everything. Although I am sure you know that. Getting prepared for your sister's arrival has been harder than I thought this last month. I have her nursery basically done. It's hard to walk in there. I should have been able to do it for you. I should have been able to prepare for you. It takes every ounce of energy I have to hold back the tears when I fold her tiny clothes, look at her crib, sit in her glider. The other day I was putting together the mobile for her crib and when I put the batteries in, the music came on. I just cried. I cried for you and I cried for your sister. It is so gut-wrenching to be on both sides of this fence. I even cry when I hear newborns cry. In all those videos we watch for our childbirth class, they have healthy, newborns, all crying their first cry. It hurts my heart every time. I want to hear that. I want to hear your sister cry for the first time. I am scared that I won't be able to. I am angry that I never got to hear yours.

I still wonder if there was something more I could have done for you. All the "what if's" flood my mind. I know I just have to put faith in the Lord. He has you now.

I love you, sweet girl. You are always on my mind, always with me. I love you EVERYDAY.