(92) Twisted Feelings...

A friend has gone through another loss. I cannot express to you the sadness in my soul for her and her husband. No one should have to experience a loss, let alone multiple losses. Sure I have been there. I know that pain. The suffocating emptiness. The physical fight of just getting out of bed. The strong desire to take a spoon and dig out the rest of what is left of your heart. But I don't know the feeling of doing it a second time.

I am some place else now. That some place is where she wants to be. And it pains me.

How I am supposed to comfort her when I know she wants to be in my shoes? How I am supposed to support her when she might desperately wish I fall of the face of the earth because I have been gifted something that has been taken away from her?

My heart is so twisted. Why should I be the one moving along in my pregnancy, while she was forced against her will to come to an abrupt stop? What makes me so special?

I don't know the answer. Only God knows why these things happen.

UGH!!! It's so frustrating. These things aren't supposed to happen to those around you. These things happen to other people. But they do happen to us. They happen to the mothers that take care of themselves and do everything by the book, while the mothers that participate in unhealthy lifestyles get to keep their babies. NOT FAIR!!!

Yes... I am still grieving the loss of our daughter, while I carry her sister in my womb. And I still don't like to look at pregnant women, or hear babies cry, or see mothers push strollers. It is a painful reminder!!

And yet, I am one of those pregnant women, who will soon hear her baby cry and push a stroller, all the while knowing that friends are still losing their babies.

So, while I continue on with my journey, and she with hers... I will continue to love her from afar.