(66) Happy Due Day...

Today is May 24, 2010. My due date.

I have been trying to prepare myself for this day for several months now. It's one for those days that you know you will have to endure no matter what you do. It's not like you can just skip a day of the year. Unless you happen to be in a coma. Which I am not.

I have had this day memorized since September 14, 2009. There is nothing that could make me forget this day. This was to be the day (well, sometime around this day) that she was to be born into this world. Kicking. Screaming. Crying. With chubby cheeks, her daddy's nose, her mommy's toes. Loved beyond measure. Wanted more than anything.

Instead, we were given a new due date. She was born into this world too early. No kicking. No screaming. No crying. A perfect combination of her mommy and daddy. Loved beyond measure. Wanted more than anything.

This was supposed to be her day.

It really has not been as dreadful a day as I played it out in my head. Some of it is probably due to the fact that I have been sick for the past week with some kind of sinus thing that has drained all energy from me and has replaced my normal voice with that of an old lady who has smoked too much. So I have been concentrating on just getting out of bed. The other part is that I believe God has been preparing my heart for this day. He knew that today would be a reminder for us of what we don't have. He didn't rid me of the pain completely, but He did give me the comfort and strength I needed to get through the day.

Today is my due date. I have repeated that in my mind over and over all day today. It's a thought that has not left yet. Even through the mani/pedi, the hair trim, lunch, my nap. It has been there. But the one thing that hasn't been there are the numerous tears.

Until now.

I thought I didn't want to endure this day. But now I don't want it to end. I want it to be May 24th for a little longer. I want to be able to hold onto her time for a little longer. Strange, I know. She has a birthday. And I cannot wait to celebrate it every year. But to move past May 24th feels like an ending, a conclusion, a closure. I don't know how to explain it. That is just what my heart feels. I cry because I don't want the ending, I don't want the closure. I cry because it feels like once this day ends, then maybe she will feel she is being left behind.

They say that mothers who have experienced a stillbirth or early infant loss experience pain in crux of their arms. As if their body knows exactly where that baby should be. I can honestly say that I never felt that. But now I know. My arms have ached today. There is an emptiness in them that I have yet to soothe.

So as the day ends, I will remember our angel.

Baby Girl,
Today was to be your day. But as we both know, you already have your special day. And I cannot wait to celebrate it with you every year. I miss you all the time. Every second of every minute of every hour of every day. You have taught me about life and you continue to teach me about love. I love you, baby.

Mommy

PS I bought some Cap'n Crunch today. The ones with Crunch Berries. I had a bowl for dinner. They reminded me of you because they were your favorite.