(48) Blown Away...

(DISCLAIMER: the picture in this blog has not been tweeked into anything that I want it to be. The only tweeks are shapes and colors that are added layers.)

That is the best way to describe what happened this afternoon. Blown away.

Here's the deal... trying to conceive after a miscarriage is SO much harder than I ever imagined. I mean, I read women's stories of trying after multiple losses and my heart went out for them. We got pregnant so fast and I remember thinking I couldn't imagine the pain that they faced every month.

Now I can. The uncertainty, the waiting, the timing. Ugh.

Anyways, today at lunch, my anxiety came to the surface. And then it molded into panic. This is not made up panic. This is real. I have chosen to not take my meds since it is really unclear what it will do during while trying to conceive and during pregnancy. So because of that I am subject to involuntary, completely random episodes of anxiety-driven panic. All because we shouldn't have to be trying to get pregnant right now. I don't want to be trying to get pregnant. I should be pregnant. Blah, blah, blah.

With the panic setting in, I asked God to just show me a sign. Honestly, I asked if He would give me sign if this was going to be our month or not. Kind of selfish when you think about it. How would God give me a sign that we will get pregnant this month or not? Seriously. Would it drive by on a sign plastered to an 18-wheeler? What it be on a banner flying high in the sky? Or better yet, maybe He would just speak it from the Heaven's. Yeeeaahhhh right.

So the picture below is of our daughter. It sits in a frame on my desk and I look at it many, many times a day. It is basically burned into my brain. So you would think I would know it, right?

Wrong. The Lord was getting ready to show me something that had been there all along and I had missed it every time.


What do you see? Anything jump out at you? For me, it was just a sonogram of our baby girl. I have looked at this picture hundreds of times. Nothing ever caught my eye... until today.

Need a hint?


Yep. It's right there. I wasn't searching for it. I wasn't trying to find anything in her picture. If I had been, I would have found it a long time ago. But there it is. The way she had her arm up creates a perfect little heart with her body.


I was blown away. My heart skipped a beat. There was my sign. It was there the entire time.

Of course, it gives no clue as to when we will blessed with a child again. But it is a reminder that His love is always there, in the smallest of ways, sometimes when you least expect it.