(45) Three Months and a Reminder...

So the ticker says "It's been 3 months since we said goodbye". I just read it. I read it everyday. Never realized how harsh those words sound. And it really isn't so much the length of time right now, as it is the word "goodbye".

Goodbye hurts. Hurts like not being able to catch my breath.

Goodbye reminds. Reminds me of December 31st when I knew everything was final.

Goodbye provides. Nothing.

Goodbye lingers. Lingers on my shoulders with its massive weight.

So the above is a post I started yesterday after eyeballing my little Facebook ticker. I went down into a DEEEEEP hole. Oh my goodness, it was bad. But somewhere in the process I stopped myself from going any further or eventually putting it out into cyberspace.(Cyberspace, you still suck... BTW)

And I am glad I did.

I went back and read my "Two Months" post. I can honestly say that I am still in the same place. The thought of her is ALL-CONSUMING. But it isn't just about her. It is a mix of worry, fear, apprehension, guilt, anger, frustration, and loss. I have a hard time wrapping my brain around so many things. I question this "new normal", my "future reality". And that leads to confusion. Which then leads to a suffocating downward sprial.

You get the picture.

Then in all of this, I was reminded that it isn't just about me. Above my little girl's ticker is the ticker counting down to my first wedding anniversary. Yep. Almost 1 year. Married to the man who is the protector of my heart. (I am fumbling for words right now that don't sound cliche.) He has put aside any of his grief and sorrow to be my rock. He has cradled me during my darkest hours. He has picked me up off the floor when all I could do was collapse in tears. He has held my hand in silence to let me know he is there. He has sheltered me from any pain the outside world might lay on me. He has sacrificied his own emotions to protect me from mine.

I frequently forget that he has suffered a loss too. I do him a great injustice in that. I so easily shut him out and make all of this about me. But he lost a daughter too. WE lost our daughter.

I will never be able to repay him. I don't know how. And besides, he won't let me be his rock... even when I beg. He is stubborn like that.

All I know how to do is love him deeply through this journey. And pray, that through it all, I provide what he needs.

Sure my heart and soul still hurt, but they hurt less because of him.