So when you experience a miscarriage, you actually have to address each one as they come and unsubscribe to said emails. I can't think of anything more fun than a week after losing a child having to go through your email and declining these innocent reminders. Yeeeeaaaaahhhhhh...
Apparently, I missed one.
This showed up in my inbox this AM. Plain as day. Right there. And I couldn't help but chuckle. Yes. I said chuckle. It seemed like such a natural response at the time. I don't know why. I just did.
It could be that TODAY is exactly 2 months until my due date. EXACTLY. May 24. And honestly, I JUST NOW noticed that. It could be that I am too stunned by the fact that I am only 2 months from my due date. 32 weeks? Really? I must haved missed that since I ERASED ALL THE WEEKLY REMINDERS FROM MY CALENDAR! It could be that I was too dumbfounded to do anything else. One of those "Are you kidding me?" moments. You know like if someone attached an alligator to my leg, I probably would look down and say "ouch". Without capital letters or an exclamation point.
So it says "You are 32 weeks pregant. What should you be planning for?" Hmmm. Let me ponder this one (as I roll my eyes). It should read, "You are not 32 weeks pregnant. But you should be. You really have nothing to plan for, do you? So why am I even asking you this question? Oh yeah, I remember now. I asked you this question so you can be reminded again of your WOMB OF DEATH. Bwahahahaha!!!"
Anyhoo, it's just another reminder that there are always going to be reminders of our loss. It's really how we deal with those reminders that tells us how far we have come and how far we have yet to go.
So thank you, Cyberspace, for reminding me yet again of where I should be and the reality of where I am. You suck.
yeah - i thought about this this morning when i realized that hana is 10 months old today. that i should be planning a birthday party for her but i am not because i don't feel like it just because i have no idea where to have it since we may or may not be living in this house... :P
ReplyDeleteyou should know by now that actually you do not have the womb of death. your body actually did NOT fail you. i have spent a lot of time thinking about this and while it would be better for me probably to just pick up the phone and tell you this, i am typing it because for me it is easier... anyway. your body did its job. think about it, if anything "failed" it was your daughters body. i do not mean that harshly at all, just hear me though on this one :). she was trying to live, and you were doing everything right. you did everything so right in fact and your body was trying so hard that you didn't even know anything was wrong until that day. because your body held on. your body stayed pregnant. you didn't miscarry. your baby didn't "spontaneously abort" or any other such medical term. so really, when you think about it, you can know that you have a strong body. your womb is just fine. you did what you were supposed to, your body tried so so so hard to do what it was supposed to and i bet your little girl did everything she was supposed to.
i don't know if that helps you or not because obviously i have no idea what you are feeling. but i was thinking about you in the shower yesterday (gee, i know, your shocked) and realized that you were looking at it all wrong. so here i am telling you that while grief sucks and is life is SO NOT FUCKING FAIR.... you are gonna be ok. you did it right and you will again and next time it will be exactly how you dreamed it would be. i know a shitty c-section is not the same thing, but i can say that i do have a little experience in trying to get over botched dreams... :)
oh yeah, and i love you
ReplyDeleteoh yeah, and to prove that God is watching out over us, my captcha is: URANUS
how funny is that! and you know exactly what i am talking about :)
OMG!!! How fitting is that. I can't stop laughing. URANUS. Love it.
ReplyDeleteLove you back.
Hahaha, oh Mere! please stop calling it the womb of death! it sounds soo morbid.. yet it makes me laugh out loud every time!
ReplyDeleteOkkkkkaaaaayyyyyyy. LOL!!! No more womb of death. But this means I have to find another name. I guess I could refer to it as "the spare bedroom". ;) But it won't have the same effect.
ReplyDeletehow about homosapien host port for alien intervention and world domination?
ReplyDeleteHmmm... has a nice ring to it. What would the acronym be? LOL!
ReplyDelete