(29) Two months...

It's been two months since our daughter was born. Well, two months and one day, if you want to get really exact. I haven't really thought about the time passing by so fast or what has happened since. I mean I have. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her, but I didn't realize that it had already been 2 months. Really kind of sneaks up on you. I can look at my calendar and see 1 month and 3 weeks has passed, but it just seems uneventful. But when you hit a monthly milestone that is when it sinks in. I realize I should be so many weeks pregnant right now and I should be doing this and that. I am learning to not dwell on it. Woulda, shoulda, coulda. There is nothing I can do to make time rewind and change the course of events.

All we can do is move forward, even if we do take detours.

Sure I still have days of tremendous sorrow, raging anger, or unbearable loneliness. I go from being someone who can offer guidance to others and appear to have my head properly on my shoulders to a tired, confused, and overwhelmed little girl who sees nothing but a jumbled path ahead of her. I guess I try to remain calm and collected around others so I don't scare them. It's easier to shut down and be scientific with them... my situation might not be something that they understand. There is nothing to compare it to. And they might not want to hear it... even though I would love to consume most conversations with stories about my daughter and her delivery and everything that came after.

I guess that is why these last two months have gone by so quickly... I am consumed by her. I think about her constantly. It's not that I wish she was here, although I do very much want her to still be growing inside me. I understand that wishing is not going to get me anywhere except in a deeper hole. I can't bring her back. And honestly, as hard as it is to say it, she is in a much better place. I cannot even imagine the joy and the love she is receiving in Heaven. She is so special that God picked her from my womb. In a way, I am jealous. I cannot wait for the day when she will take our hands and show us Heaven... her room, all the pictures she drew for us, and all the friends she made. Until then, I try to talk to her everyday... out loud. I tell her hello, and how much I miss her, and that I love her. A lot of times it is after work in my car when I am alone. I think if I did it with other people around, I would get weird looks. Although, I am sure it looks like I am talking to an imaginary person when I am in my car. She responds in the only way she knows how... by sending tiny signs. But she is so subtle I have to REALLY be paying attention sometimes. Mommy can be a little dense at times, Baby Girl.

So you would think that I have learned a thing or two these last couple of months? Maybe I had an "ah ha" moment. Well, mostly it's been that I am all over the place. Sometimes I move forwards, sometimes I get knocked backwards, and other times I get shoved sideways. I can counsel someone about the fear of forgetting then a month later I, myself, get freaked out about doing my own forgetting. Or I get completely sucked into the notion that I am weak, when a month ago I wrote that my daughter was chosen because of my strength. Confused yet? It's progress, I s'pose. I am waiting for someone to say that I am being completely normal in my confusion. Haha! Or maybe I should go back and read my old posts and take my own advice...

So here's to the next 2 months of going forwards, backwards, and sideways...