(17) Coming up on the 6 o'clock news...

So yesterday was the day the universe decided to give me a big "up yours". Yep, for some reason it wanted to remind me of the pain... just in case I had forgotten. Really? Forgotten? You're kidding me, right?

Let me explain. There are days when pregnancy stuff doesn't get to me. Of course those are the days when I don't see any pregnant women, or commercials with cooing babies. Then there are the days when it is like a mass pile-up on the interstate. It inevitably starts with an 18-wheeler and then just keeps adding cars. Yesterday was the pile-up on Interstate M that was started by an out of control 18-wheeler that took out car after car.

18-wheeler: Valentine's Day
This year, February 14th will be a horrid day. Seeing all the pink and red and lovey dovey crap makes me want to vomit. Why? Because I am supposed to be pregnant with a belly buying cute Valentine's for my husband from our daughter and buying cute little Valentine's for our daughter for when she is born. It is a reminder of love that keeps building inside of me and I can't let it out. Love held back is just as painful as anger held in.

1st car: FB announcement
It should be considered a no-no to put anything that has to do with pregnancy on FB. It was revealed yesterday that a friend is pregnant... again... for the third time. Ugh! I now understand why it was so hurtful for a good friend to read my status updates while I was basking in the glow of my pregnancy. I had no idea that she was going through a loss while I was enjoying my gain. So, I have vowed to not reveal anything about any future pregnancies, so as to not hurt anyone who might be suffering a loss. The pain is tremendous with daily reminders. And the same goes for kid updates... that is like a knife in the back.

2nd car: Lunchtime at Target
Why do I do this? I know that this is the time that stay-at-home mom's go to Target. But it is really the only time I have. And most of the time it doesn't bother me. Yesterday... a different story. Long story short. Nothing like hearing a toddler singing "Jesus Loves Me"... while picking out Valentine's cards... for your step-daughter... who is a reminder that someone else can give your husband a child, but YOU CAN'T! 'Nuff said... you get the point. Universe, you suck!!

3rd car: At the gym
The one place I thought I could find solitude. Um, apparently not. Nothing like seeing a woman with a pregnant belly working out to push that knife deeper. She was about the size I should be right now, basking in her pregnancy glow, all happy. I almost lost it on the treadmill. The thought to just stop entered into my mind. Instead, I turned my music up loud and ramped up the speed on the treadmill, thinking this would help get the anger and the pain out. Nope. All it did was make me tired... emotionally. I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't drown out the voices that kept saying, "Look at her, she is going to have a baby. And you. You have a WOMB OF DEATH." Shut up.

Subsequent cars: Miscellaneous
Commercials, TV shows, movies... you get the jist.

But there was a light at the end of the pile-up. Well more like seeing a shadowy figure coming out of the smoke. Brendon realized that I was having a tough day/night. He tried to pry it out of me, but I didn't tell him. He doesn't need to be burdened with my grief... he has his own. He knows. He can't fix the pile-up, though he wants to. All he can do is be there to help sort out the wreckage. To hear him whisper, "I know it hurts, baby" and kiss me on the forehead is all he has to do. It is what rescues me everytime.