I remember the exact moment I found out I was pregnant. September 14th. At home with my husband. I have always wanted to be a mom. Since I began babysitting, I knew that one day I would have children of my own. The tears flowed that day. From both of us. The two pink lines was an unbelievable sight. It was so unbelievable that I went out and bought a digital test just so I could see the word PREGNANT. I couldn't wait to have my first OB visit. What would I see? Would I see anything? Would this little bean stick long enough? Oh the questions that ran through my head. And the excitement was overwhelming. I even tested a week later just to make sure I was still pregnant. My husband thought it was too funny.
My first ultrasound...
I cried in the ultrasound room. The tiny little dot was the most beautiful sight I had ever laid eyes on. Or so I thought. At that moment, I didn't realize that my eyes and heart would be filled with something more beautiful.
We told my parents by sending them each a pair of hand-knitted baby booties with a sonogram picture in a card. I emailed them and said you will be receiving a package from us and call before opening. They were so excited. This would be their first grandchild.
My pregnancy progressed without any major events. My morning sickness was minimal. Some queaziness that was remedied with food. And then there were the food issues. Cooking meat caused me problems. Cooked protein, with the exception of hamburger meat, was hard for me to get down... was a texture thing. I craved Captain Crunch and beans and cheese. I drank my weight in water and took my pre-natal vitamins. I watched what I ate, drank, and all those "pregnancy rules". Pregnancy was going to be an easy thing for me. What a relief.
Then on the Sunday night before Thanksgiving, I started to feel a little off. Just felt a little under the weather, nothing major. Then Monday the nausea hit. I felt horrible. I managed to run the errands we needed to (that day we signed the contract for our new home) and then we headed to lunch. Got some of that down but still felt icky. We headed home where I took my temp and it was low grade. That continued all day. It was a horrible feeling. I thought it might have been something I ate but I really don't know. I called my OB's office and the nurse just said to monitor my fever and that I shouldn't be concerned. Just take some Tylenol to combat the fever but if the fever rose to be sure to call back. Tuesday, my husband had to pick up his daughter so my mom came and sat with me for the day. Still had a fever and then the stomach cramping started. I could barely eat anything all day and had to struggle to get liquids down. I finally started to feel better in the evening and by Wednesday morning I felt a little more like myself. Of course my appetite didn't return to normal for about a week so my eating was way off.
My next appointment was on November 30th. My OB mentioned that I was a pound lighter than I had been at my initial visit. This equaled to a total of 9 or 10 lbs lost. Not really healthy in pregnancy but not uncommon. She told me to make sure to get my complex carbs and try to keep eating. No concern was voiced and I had no reason to be concerned. Baby had a good heartbeat and was moving like crazy. And boy, did Baby have long legs.
So my OB scheduled my next sonogram for December 30th. This was going to be my gender/anatomy scan. I couldn't wait.
The next four weeks went by without a hitch. Although they went by a little too slowly for me. I couldn't wait to find out the sex of the baby. I didn't buy any baby stuff. I really didn't want to until I knew if we were having a boy or a girl. And I actually had planned to register for non-gender specific stuff while on my holiday break. Well I didn't get to the registering when I wanted to. Time just flies. But it was so awesome to get a box of diapers and baby clothes from my husband. It was the best present ever. Really made me cry because everything became so real at that moment. The days after Christmas progressed slowly and then came the morning to find out. I was excited and apprehensive. I wished for a boy. Just the thought of a rough and tumble little Momma's boy gave me the giggles.
We didn't have to wait long to be called to the back. They weighed me (I gained back all my weight), thye checked my blood pressure, but luckily I didn't have to pee in a cup. So the nurse sent us back to wait outside the sonogram room. We waited forever. But this was to be a long scan for the gender and to make sure all the organs were developing properly. Finally it was our turn. I went through the routine and got on the table. I remember seeing the baby on the monitor and remarking how little space he/she had to move around. Very cramped. Then something in my gut plummeted. The tech was very quiet. She went directly to measuring baby's head and that is when it hit me. The measurement read 17w1d. No. That couldn't be right. Baby was supposed to be at 19w3d. Baby is too small. Oh God, please no. She had my husband take my step-daughter, who was with us, outside, then she said she had to get the doctor. I started to cry hysterically. I knew something wasn't right. I didn't see the flicker of the heartbeat and those measurements were a bad sign. No, no, no. My husband tried his best to comfort me and encourage me. I couldn't even look at him. I just cried. The doctor came in and I tried to be as still as I could. It was hard. My heart was crumbling to pieces. It was like being in a movie and watching someone else going through this. Then the doctor confirmed that there was no heartbeat. My husband just held me. I wanted them to be wrong. I wanted this to not be me. And after that, everything became a blur.
It was December 30, 2009 and I lost my most precious gift.
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