(10) Overcoming...

I went out on a limb and visited one of my besties this past weekend. So you might think "that is not such a big deal, I do it all the time". Well it is a HUGE DEAL if (1) this is your first time to venture out past the city you live in by yourself, and (2) to visit your friend who has a 2.5 month old... all when you are only 3 weeks out from your miscarriage of your daughter at 17 weeks. To sum it up for you, I still cannot go down a baby aisle. Happy parents with their children make me cringe. Pregnant women make want to puke. Harsh, I know. That is my reality at this moment in my life.

But this is the other reality. She and I are linked by a force that goes beyond friendship. She is the sister that I never had. God gave her to me. We are sisters through Him. She laughs with me, she hurts with me, and she cries with me... even though we are miles apart. She wanted to see me... and deep down I needed time with her.

I warned her that the tears still came unannounced and uninvited. She was told that I was taking a bold jump to be around her and Lainey. She understood.

The drive was harder than I thought. 2 hours driving away from my home, away from my husband, towards a bed without the security of him being there. 2 small panic attacks isn't bad for 2 hours. 1 an hour. That's a pretty good average... considering they only last about 10 minutes. But the drive was worth it... always is for her. Her home is full of love, warmth, and shelter. I love that. And as always she welcomed me with open arms as soon as I arrived. Gosh it was so good to see her again. Sisters.

And then her daughter. Oh my gosh. She is the most beautiful child. And when I say beautiful, I mean on the inside. Yes she is a cute, cute baby. But she has the most beautiful soul. Happy, easy going, full of life, spirited... you name it, she is just awesome. Just like her momma. I immediately was drawn to her. No tears, no anxiety. Just pure joy. I was thankful for a calm spirit.

For that time, the world stopped. I just enjoyed being in the company of a good friend. We talked and somewhat caught up. She helped me work through some feelings. It felt like a breakthrough. Although I knew that this was a special circumstance. This was what God wanted for me. And He was blessing me. Let me say this... never once have I thought anything bad about my friend or her daughter. They are both blessings to me. And the Lord has all along known He would use them to help me.

I left them feeling refreshed and maybe a little steadier on my feet. Or so I thought. The anxiety came back, the questioning started again, the fear took hold. The emptiness came back. Maybe I expect too much from myself. Maybe I think I am better than I truly am. Maybe I have gotten good at not only fooling others, but fooling myself.

And then maybe, just maybe, I am slowly overcoming the darkness and allowing the light to come back in. It's a scary place to let go. We like to live in the deep hole, even though we might say we don't. There is something comforting about the darkness of our emptiness. Scary and painful and tearful as it might be, there comes a time that we actually enjoy being in this space. So what was once a scary journey to go down into the depths, becomes a scary journey to come out of it. We fear forgetting, we fear being happy again, we fear giving our grief to God.

Maybe it's not the darkness that scares me anymore. Maybe it is the light.