Yesterday was 3 weeks exactly. 3 weeks since my heart was ripped open. 3 weeks since a part of my soul was taken away. 3 weeks since I lost my first born.
A few things that I have learned in these 3 weeks...
* hearing "I need to get the doctor." is a painful statement
* minutes can feel like hours when you face the unknown
* a mother's intuition kicks in even before a baby is born
* it's ok to admit that i knew something wasn't right
* the silence is deafening
* the pain of a broken heart is like suffocating
* hearing "You can have more children." is NOT a comfort
* the mind knows when to shut down
* the body knows when to take over when exhaustion has run it's course
* the soul is a strong force
* sometimes words are of no comfort
* having your hand held can feel like a giant bear hug
* emotional pain is more terrifying than physical pain
* even when you are flat on your back, you can feel like you are falling off a cliff
* your mind will allow you to remember only what is important
* it's ok to fill your mind with distrations
* hospitals can be a comfort compared with going home
* you cannot stop the tears, no matter how hard you try
* being sad, angry, and numb can occur all at once
* sometimes your legs just aren't strong enough to hold you up
* listening to sad songs helps purge your soul
* the food network is the safest channel to watch
* it's ok to still cling to your "blankie" that comforted you in the hospital
* it's ok to wonder why if everything is "normal", then why did this happen
* it's ok to not be angry with God
* it's ok to have a deep hatred for yourself
* being clingy is not something to be ashamed of
* seeing anything that has to do with happy families makes me cringe
* that the feeling above will go away with time
* people take the gift of pregnancy for granted
* intense anger is a part of the grief process
* God is not punishing me or testing me
* i have seen the glory of God
* that there are lots of women in my shoes
* i am saddened yet comforted by that fact
* it's ok to ask for help
* it's ok to hide under the covers for fear of a new day starting
* i no longer have to be afraid of forgetting
* it's ok to wonder what a car seat would look like in your car
* just because you don't cry one day does not mean everything is fine
* hearing "I'm sorry" again and again is annoying and just makes me mad
* my husband and i have the STRONGEST marriage that i know
* my husband is the STRONGEST man i know
* i am blessed in so many ways
* i am strong
* i am weak
* i am loved
* my heart aches to love little hands and little feet
* i cannot wait to celebrate a birthday on December 31 for the rest of my life
* i am grateful to have pictures and footprints of my angel baby
* i am comforted by seeing these pictures
* and by kissing those feet
* i am a mom to a beautiful girl who is in the arms of Jesus and is waiting for the day when her mom and dad can hold her
Friday, January 22, 2010
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Hi Meredith!
ReplyDeleteI love this post. You basically took the words right outofmy mouth. Especially the part about people taking the gift of pregnancy for granted. NOTHING makes me angrier than hearing someone talk about how they wish they weren't pregnent, etc. A girl I work with was talking about how someone she knows got his girlfriend pregnant, and "this baby is nothing to be excited about". I could have slapped her! ugh.
anyway..
I love your idea to still do January for ProjectLife. I didn't take a whole lot of pictures during that month, but maybe I'll just put in what I have and have a shorter section for that month. Let me know if you start doing it and we can compare our projects :)
Hope you guys are doing well!