(80) It Was Only A Dream...

So far this pregnancy I have managed to be spared from any disturbing dreams or nightmares concerning loss or anything of that sort...

Until now.

Most of my pregnancy dreams have been rather bland. By bland I mean, no anxiety or panic waking me up in the middle of the night. Normally I dream that I have gone through the labor and delivery part of the birth but there is no baby to show for it. I am not sad in my dream. I tend to wake up right after "giving birth". I guess since my only experience with labor and delivery is that of a sleeping baby then my mind doesn't know how to process anything beyond that. I am sure it is normal for the brain to work this way. If you haven't ever experienced something, then how does your mind know what to expect?

But last night's dream really cut me to the core. Let me just put it out there... the baby had died. In utero. Again. It jolted me awake at about 5:30am and basically paralyzed me. I have NEVER had a dream like that until now. It is my BIGGEST fear. To lose this one. To go through it all again. I know what that pain is like and I am so afraid of it. Of course it doesn't help that I am about a week out until the time that our daughter stopped growing according to her 20w ultrasound. Deep down I knew this time would come and that I would be affected by it. I just didn't expect it to be in my dreams.

It. Is. Terrifying.

Brendon asked if I wanted him to check the baby. I said no. We will check on him/her tonight, like we always do. I am trying to be strong and not let my fear get bigger than my hope. Although as I type, I am pleading with God, pleading with the baby to give me one kick, one flutter to let me know that everything is fine. I am being very attentative to any feeling or movement... maybe to the end that I won't recognize anything.

Lord, I come before you now with a prayer of comfort and strength. Please rid me of this fear. Give my heart peace and serenity. My hope is in You and Your Plan for us. I know that You have gone before us and have laid the path that is under our feet. Let us not be distracted by what the devil tries to tell, let us focus on You and all that You have promised. It's in Your name alone I pray. Amen.