(76) Internal Struggle...

Oh my. Where to begin?

So we knew that we would try again for more children. Even in that darkest moment, lying on the ultrasound table, wishing I was somewhere else instead of that hell, my heart knew that we would try again.

It's hard to say that after losing a child. You don't really want to be trying again. You want THAT child... not a redo. You are prepared for THAT child... not another. I wanted HER. Our daughter. My FIRST.

There are so many conflicting emotions on that path. In your heart, you know you aren't replacing your heavenly child. I know that. My husband knows that. There is no replacing our daughter. Just like parents with living children. Just because they decide to add to their brood, does not mean that they think they can do better the next time. No replacing, or trying to do better. They are merely adding to their family... expanding their love.

So it was with this in mind (and also my fear of getting too old), that we knew to try again. Of course, trying again so soon meant we hadn't healed all the way. But at the time, I was in denial. I knew getting a postive pregnancy test would be a trying time. So too was the negative test. Negative test meant that we had to go at it another month, but it also brought some relief that we didn't have to cross that bridge just yet. The positive pregnancy test meant that we didn't have to try again, but we were standing smack dab in the middle of the bridge... the wooden bridge that was suspended 1,000 feet up by rotting rope tied to the most pathetic trees in the forest.

So where are we today, you ask?

We are standing in the middle of that old, worn out bridge. In the second trimester.

Yes. The SECOND trimester.

Why did I wait this long to post about the new kiddo? One word... FEAR.

Just because we have hope for the future and we have put our faith in the Lord, does not mean that we, or I, still don't suffer from fear.

Fear of...
jinxing ourselves to losing this child if we tell others.
my husband having to do "damage control" again.
letting friends and family down.
letting my husband down.
my body betraying me yet again.
having to endure the pain of my heart being RIPPED out of my chest.
never being able to bring a child into this world.
feeling broken forever.

Pregnancy after a loss is such a strange animal. There is a constant internal struggle between what you want to feel and what you do feel. So before I go any further, I need to explain something. I WANT THIS CHILD MORE THAN ANYTHING. You cannot even imagine how my heart just swells with love for this child.

Wanted. Beyond a shadow of a doubt. Truly, madly, deeply. Wanted.

It's the conflicting emotions that make this journey so difficult sometimes. There is a sense of betrayal. We started trying as soon as we medically could. Were we emotionally healed? No. Psychologically healed? No. We are still trying to heal our hearts from a loss. There is a fear that our daughter will feel we are leaving her behind for another child, that we are trying to replace her because we started so soon. It sounds silly, I know. But it is very real. I also have difficulty connecting with this kiddo. I want to. Lord knows. I really, REALLY want to. And it is a constant effort for me to stay connected to him or her. Why is connecting so hard? I am afraid that if I connect with this one, he or she will be taken away too. Not that being connected or not connected makes any difference to God's Plan. But I rationalize that if I do not connect then maybe a loss won't be as difficult. Hogwash, honestly. It would hurt just the same. And also being connected to this one maybe means disconnecting from his or her sister. It's that struggle every parent goes through... do I have enough love for both children? Even when one child is in heaven, it is still the same struggle. Though in my mind, it might be more difficult for us (those that have suffered a loss or preparing for a loss) because we do not have little hands, little feet, or chubby cheeks to kiss for reassurance.

See why I had that little disclaimer? Because to the outside world, this pregnancy doesn't revolve around the child growing inside me. It revolves around the one in heaven. And my fear. It is so hard to explain to someone that you don't want to be pregnant again. You want to be holding your heavenly child. But at the same time, you would do anything...A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G... for the one growing inside you. This is why pregnancy after a loss can be so diificult.

Would we have been better off to wait? Maybe. There is no given time table on the healing process. So even if we had waited 6 months, 12 months, 2 years, there is no absolute that we wouldn't have the same feelings then as we do now.

So what made me decide to post about the new kiddo? One word... friendship.

I have made many new friends in this "new normal". And a handful of them found themselves pregnant soon after their losses too. I watched them blog about their growth and their "new, new normal". I read their updates on Facebook or through emails. All of their stories bring so much warmth and love to my heart that God would bless them again and show His Favor on them. But I couldn't do it. It was the fear. Then my friend Betsy reminded me of something. She said that I should blog about this pregnancy and new baby because this is part of our story. Our family project. The one thing that this blog is set out to do. I use this blog to create a little insight into our lives, through my eyes. So I should be shouting from the rooftops of God's new gift.

So Betsy, this post is dedicated to you, love. Thank you for helping me realize that I should be writing about this new life through the fear and through the joy. He or she is just a much a part of my life as my color organizer is. :)