(118) Preparedness...

Holy pregnancy, batman!

We are 34 weeks now. Thirteeeee four. The big 3-4.

I am a little weirded out by this, if you want to know the truth. I am sooooooo not prepared for Buglet to arrive.

Weeeellllll, that is not all true.

I am prepared in the sense that she has a place to sleep, she will have food of some kind, and we have about 4 large boxes of diapers, which should last us the first 3 days. Oh and we have the car seat. Praise the Lord, we can actually bring her home from the hospital and not have CPS called on us for child neglect.

What's not prepared is:
Her room: still waiting on a non-defective dresser to be deliverd on Monday, get bookcases purchased and put together, put away clothing and blankets, get sheets on the mattress, etc. (Since I started this post, we have purchased and assembled the bookcases.)

Our room: need to purchase the bassinet

Bags: my hospital bag, Buglet's bag, a bag for my husband

Those things may seem trivial, but my OCD is in rare form these days and it is driving me NUTS to not already been done with everything. On top of that, the need to keep cleaning the house is so intense right now that I have literally started cleaning with nothing but underwear on, right out of bed. I am appalled at the amount of dust that has accumulated. I refuse to touch any hard surface with my hands, or even put anything down for fear of getting something dusty. Absurd, I know.

But there is something much more important that is not prepared.

My heart.

How do I prepare my heart for the moment I get to see my daughter for the first time? When I get to feel her in my arms? When I get to say "Hi, Buglet"? When I get to see her cradled in her daddy's arms? I don't know if I am ready for all those things. All at the same time. It's more than enough to make my heart explode. On top of that, how do you prepare a heart that is still grieving the loss of a child just a year earlier? I don't want to cheat either one out of the love they deserve. Is my heart big enough to love two children, one in heaven and the other here on earth? Oh the questions are endless.

I look to my friends that have had children after a loss, many of them just in the past month. I do not know what they are really feeling, but I pray that somewhere along this road that they have felt what I am feeling. Not because I want them to hurt or be filled with anxiety, but because it would mean that what I am feeling is normal.

In the end, I know my heart will be prepared. The Lord will be there with us and He will give us the strength to make it. And I can already tell that He has prepared my heart... it is prepared to love in a way that I cannot even imagine, but will be revealed to me on the day I meet my daughter.

I am excited for that day.