(157) Back At It...

I had to go back to work on Thursday. I knew it would eventually happen. I mean I had planned it before I even left work... the date was on the calendar. But I didn't think it would come so fast. March 24th seemed so far away from December 31. In my non-mommy life, 12 weeks would have just crept by at a normal pace. Now in my mommy life, 12 weeks FLY by. The days merge together and you easily lose track of time. At least, that is what happened when I stayed at home. So, before I knew it, March 24th was getting nearer.

I didn't do anything to prepare myself, really. In my denial, I didn't want to rush the inevitable. Just thinking about it in the last days brought me to tears. Though I will say this... even though I dreaded leaving her, I knew going back to work was going to be a good thing for me. I don't think I am cut out to be a SAHM. Staying at home with your kids takes MUCH discipline, which apparently I don't have. You have to structure yourself. There were days when I felt accomplished, when I got the laundry, dishes, and cleaning done, and juggled the schedule of a newborn. But those days were few and far between. So, MANY kuddos to the women who have tamed the SAHM beast... you are far better than me.

Anyway, Thursday morning came and I tried my best to keep the tears in. I snuggled with Buglet as much as I could that morning, kissed her cheeks a thousand times, and stroked her soft hair a thousand and one times. I did really well until I pulled out of the driveway. Two words... WATER WORKS. The tears flowed. And flowed. And flowed. Of course, I am not really sure why I cried or was worried. Brendon was going to be with her and I was coming home at lunch to feed her, so it wasn't like she was with a stranger all day. Still, it felt like I was leaving her behind. Then the most marvelous thing happened. A ladybug landed on my windshield and it was as if God was telling me that everything was going to be okay. My eyes dried and I made it to work without any sort of redness. Once in my office, I set up the pictures that I brought of her and settled in. The morning went by fast and before I knew it was time for me to go home at lunch.

Lunch. The most marvelous thing happened after that lunch. I kissed my lovelies goodbye and headed out the door, then it hit me. A sense of accomplishment. Let's see, how do I explain it? It was like a feeling of empowerment for myself and my daughter to be going back to work and letting her know that I would be back soon. I was able to let go of the umbilical cord just a little bit. Not much letting go, I know... but baby steps.

So, going back to work wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.

Sending her to daycare, however, is going to be a TOTALLY different story.